As I embark on writing this book, I feel it is necessary to take this moment to thank you and honour you for all the challenges, confusion, questions, uncertainty, fear, anxiety, terror, defensiveness, and protection you have placed on my path. You are a powerful teacher of fear and separation, and I have learned so much from having you as my mentor.
Our relationship has been extremely purposeful and as I look back I have no regret, only gratitude for all that you have brought to my life. I know our relationship has been full of ups and downs, with many internal battles raging inside my mind, while fear fueled my decisions and paralyzed me all at the same time. Ours has been a powerful, life-changing relationship, and I have learned a lot about my Self in the process.
You have taught me to fear everything. To question everything. To doubt everything. To regret most things. You have convinced me I am unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. You have called me stupid, dumb, an idiot, useless, and many more names I don’t care to repeat in this letter.
You have made me feel really special only to make me feel so inadequate.
You encourage me to reach for the stars and once I touch them, you tell me it isn’t enough. You convince me I need to reach further and work harder. When I do just that, you tell me it isn’t enough. You motivated me to do more, have more, try more, see more, be more, but nothing is ever enough because every time I hit the mark you set, you move the mark and keep me chasing, reaching, yearning, wanting more and more. Although you always encourage me you are only encouraging me to fail over and over again, because nothing will ever be enough, because you believe I am not enough and there is nothing I can do to make up for that.
You taught me that I don’t belong, which made me feel isolated. You taught me that I am separate from everything and everyone, which made me feel alone. You taught me that no one really cares about me, which made me feel misunderstood.
Just when I find a way to begin to love myself and encourage myself, you change your tune and begin to disguise yourself as love. Just when I find something to believe in, you shift from the teacher of fear and pretend to be the teacher of love.
You are clever. You are tricksy. You are a shape-shifter. You are a survivor. You always find a way to continue to rule my mind and keep me stuck running on a hamster wheel, chasing something I will never be able to catch or achieve or enjoy.
You have been my greatest teacher of fear and I have come to know fear deeply and intimately.
I am writing to tell you enough is enough. I am done with your clever tricks to keep me stuck and paralyzed. I am done with your big shiny carrots dangling before my eyes, the carrots that keep me chasing the illusions of the future you paint in my mind. I am done with your lies. I am done with your bullying. I am done with fear.
I thank you for playing your part so beautifully, so eloquently, so intensely, so tenaciously, and so effectively. You have taught me so much and for all of it, I am deeply grateful.
I have learned that true love has no conditions.
I have learned that I am loved no matter what I do or say or have.
I have learned that my mind holds a limited perspective compared to the infinite potential of my heart.
I have learned to trust my intuition.
I have learned that I am enough; in fact, I am more than enough.
I have learned that I am loved beyond measure.
I have learned that I am worthy beyond proof.
I have learned that I am free to be me without approval or permission.
I have learned that I come from love.
I have learned that I AM love.
I understand that you were simply playing your part and you played your part well. I see how your fear-based curriculum allowed me to experience the contrast that allowed me to appreciate the essence of love so much more deeply. I know that you were only trying to protect me all along.
Thank you for being my greatest teacher. You fueled a fire in me that motivated me. Thanks to you, I understand fear deeply now.
Thank you for bringing me to my knees on many occasions and showing me the contrast of my inner darkness and my greatest light so that I could learn to appreciate and embrace my greatest light.
Thank you for helping me stand on my own and embrace my separateness so I could experience and appreciate the contrast between fear and love.
I am ready to stand on my own. I feel empowered to walk with strength and courage.
I am ready to release my fears and stand in the Truth of Love. I am ready to embrace my humanness and embody true unconditional love.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful and honoured to have such a remarkable teacher of fear.
I will remember and honour our time together with fondness and gratitude. I know you will be waiting, watching, and anticipating a way to wiggle your way back into my life, but I am good. I don’t need fear anymore.
It is time for me to say goodbye to fear.
I see you. I appreciate you. I honour you. I love you. Goodbye.
With love, Sue
***This is an excerpt from the book “The Evolution of the Ego ~ A Journey to Unwind Your Ego, Embrace Your Humanness and Embody Your Divinity” by Sue Dumais